Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
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