i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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