Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
