I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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