I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.