just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE