I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina