so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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