what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
