Define "chronic" masturbator.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
