I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My vagina just clenched in fear