last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
