i just wanna soil my oats bro
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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