Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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