oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
