broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
