my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security