On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
