i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
