I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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