Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
