were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Nobody cheats on THIS.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
