Apparently you make a good broom.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.