i love accidental penises.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?