Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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