you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
