sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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