Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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