I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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