how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
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I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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