Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?