My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone