Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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