I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
