He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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