im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
