oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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