I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
