Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.