I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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