Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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