Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize