i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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