Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My bed smells like the plague
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