I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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