Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
