Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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