god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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