i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.