Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
