This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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