Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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