I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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