He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
