oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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